The Tap

A little rural drama as related to a friend.

It’s a good time to sit down and write to you. We had a leaking Flickmixer in the kitchen for more than three years and no plumber wanted to travel out that far, and the plumbing qualified dairy farmer genuinely had no time because they’re like us, always flying by the seats of their pants. Thankfully the tap was leaking from above counter level, not below and into the cupboard (but I have one of those in the laundry, though unlike the kitchen, I really went to town with the waterproofing there when we were building so less critical).

The kitchen tap leaked from a pinhole in the side of the spout to spray all the walls every time the tap was turned on, and from the cartridge as well, so dishcloths were applied at each place to direct the drips into the sink, and changed on a regular basis (having unsuccessfully tried to silicone-seal the pinhole). But this could not go on.

So six months ago I went out on a limb and bought a new tap. A month ago I got it out of its box and put it and instructions and tools on a towel on the kitchen counter so I would have to look at it several times a day. A week ago I started reading the instructions. Today all the planets finally aligned and I had a go at removing the old tap and installing the new one.

And the miracle has finally happened – the new tap is installed correctly and not leaking. Thanks to studying up, I even knew what to do, whipped the old tap out quickly and got the new one in nearly as fast. There was actually and rather anticlimactically not much to it apart from having to be a contortionist and having to take absolutely everything out of the sink cupboards first, shelves included. I put pillows in the cupboard so I wouldn’t need back surgery afterwards. Of course there was a sink clip EXACTLY next to where the tap attachment bolt had to go, making it hard to slip the bottom seal and plate home before doing the nut up tight against them with the mercifully provided tool. But then it was done, and we turned the tank and pump back on, and water came out of the tap, with the aerator removed as instructed to flush any accumulated muck out of the line before putting it back on.

Aerators are supposed to be finger-tight only when a tap comes from the factory. This one wouldn’t budge pre-installation and it had taken me 20 minutes and a lot of cursing to remove the bloody thing in the first place prior to attempting to install the tap. We don’t have a rubber wrench, and the aerator shape is, stupidly, hard to grip. It doesn’t fit any spanners, and the adjustable wrench just can’t get traction. I finally removed the thing unscathed with a roofing wrench (serrated grips) after wrapping the aerator in fabric to protect it. So far, so good, apart from the waste of time.

When the moment came to put the icing on the cake of the tap installation by putting the aerator back on and observing a smooth stream of water going into the sink, water sprayed every which way from the aerator/tap join. It was finger tight at that point and I tightened it with the roofing wrench then, but this did not fix the problem. So I tried to take the aerator back off.

And once again, it didn’t want to come off. Half an hour of turning the air blue while trying to undo it resulted in nothing but mangling the metal part of the aerator. I went to the laundry tap to see if its aerator came off, didn’t even need a tool. Ditto the broken tap I’d just removed from the kitchen. Piece of cake. The new aerator wouldn’t budge, so I deliberately destroyed it, clamping hard enough to deform it and then it finally bloody moved. And the problem was: no O-ring.

I cleaned and attached the old aerator unit from the broken tap and hoped that it would fit the new tap. By some miracle it actually did and that, finally, was the end of the matter. But why oh why can something like this never go smoothly?

After that I felt like going to bed and pulling the sheets over my face for a good 12 hours. Brett brought me a cup of tea and took the dogs walking as a good office. And I remembered I hadn’t replied to you yet, and thought you of all people I know would be the most likely to totally relate to this scenario, as situated similarly in the sticks and presumably equally visited by Murphy’s Law.

Brett has returned from the walk and is presently plying me with pieces of Parmesan cheese, a rare luxury. I am beginning to feel better and now I actually know how to install Flickmixers, including aerators (try taking the aerator off before you buy and if it doesn’t move, try another tap – and check that an O-ring is present too before you buy).

So tomorrow I will start to disassemble the laundry tap, which is glued in place with about a dozen layers of silicone on advice of our plumbing dairy friend, who thought the water was going into the cabinet through the attachment hole rather than the tap itself leaking from the bottom. All my silicone sealing sessions didn’t stop the leaks. My first problem will be getting the tap unglued. I will try vinegar soaking the area etc but it may end up easier to remove the entire cabinet along with the tap, we’ll see. Thankfully it’s a plastic el cheapo. The actual tap changing itself will be the least of my problems. If you ever have to install a Flickmixer and have never done that before, I could now easily talk you through it though, without the technicalese and even the errors in online instructions.

It will be nice not to have an ice cream container in the bottom of the laundry cabinet anymore that needs emptying several times a week, one of these days, and to be able to close the cabinet door again instead of permanently leaving it wide open to air…

PS: The inches thick silicone came off without a hitch after soaking with a rag dripping with vinegar overnight (thanks be to Google). I have decided that the whole cabinet will have to come out so I can change this tap without employing Lilliputians. It will also allow me to deal with the mould underneath. It’s invisible with the cabinet in place but I know it is there and I’ve had a little look to confirm. Trouble is, I tiled after the cabinet was put in and tiled very tightly, so we’re having a little trouble trying to remove the thing without breaking it or the tiles. I really don’t want to take an angle grinder to the thing. Watch this space…