The Garden Of Edam

Photo courtesy of Renaud d’Avout d’Auerstaedt, Wikimedia Commons

In the beginning, there was the void. And God said, let there be cheese, and there was cheese. God saw that the cheese was good, and made more cheese. And behold there was Gouda, Wensleydale, Gruyère, Cheddar, Camembert, Mozzarella, Havarti, Parmesan, Feta, those little BabyBel things, and all manner of cheese.

And God created man and woman to eat the cheese, and he created a garden for them to dwell in, and he called it the Garden of Edam.

And God made a Gorgonzola tree in the garden, amidst all the other cheeses. And he said unto the man and the woman, You may eat of all the cheese in the Garden of Edam, but you shall not eat of the Gorgonzola.

But the man had a snake, and it was a naughty snake, and it spake unto him and said, Come on, eat the Gorgonzola already! And the man did, since he always does as his snake bids him. And his breath stank of Gorgonzola, and the woman was displeased.

But not as displeased as God, who came walking into the Garden of Edam for a visit, sniffed the man, and grew wrathful. And God said unto the man, You reek of Gorgonzola! You have done wrong and will be cast out and you can make your own bloody cheese!

And God cast out the man and the woman and destroyed the Garden of Edam with so much heat that it became a giant fondue, which God hauled off to Valhalla, where Thor was very happy about this gift, filled the molten cheese into kegs, and said Skål to all the Viking Warriors. The End.

This is a collaboration from the language and story games we play at our house. Brett and I do ‘alternating sentences’ impromptu storytelling for entertainment, and that’s how this little number came about. Once we have a theme, we quickly tell the story, egging each other on to become more and more outrageous if possible. I thought I’d share this one for a laugh. 🙂

2 Replies to “The Garden Of Edam”

  1. A question, an Edam question. My first taste of Edam occurred in the Netherlands during June of 1967, specifically at the onset of the Six Day War in Israel. And it was good! A pleasant and tasty mild flavor shaped as a white orb covered in red wax. Fast forward 50+ years. Life in the middle of Pennsylvania denied me that pleasure until it reappeared at Aldi, a European grocery chain. It was exactly as I remembered it, until tragedy struck. Some misguided cheese buyer replaced my Edam with an unwaxed wedge of a yellow stuff that he/she labeled as Edam. It is a stunning disappointment. I have been haunting every possible source since, to no avail. Recently, however, I thought I had found it at Gene’s Sausage Shop in Lincoln Square on Chicago’s north side. It is red wax coated, but in a loaf instead of a small round orb. I bought a half pound. Better than the awful Aldi stuff, but still more yellow than white, still not recreating the flavor of the white. Is this to be the story of my later years? And why is there this yellow imposter masquerading as Edam? Will I be forced into becoming a cheese importer just so I can get what I feel we all deserve? Your guidance would be greatly appreciated.


    1. I think we could use more good cheese importers in this world and thank you for volunteering, Tom! 🙂

      Fake-foodery is a sad thing indeed.

      Since you hail from the US, it might amuse you to research our Will Studd, Australian artisan cheese maker and pusher at idiotic regulations which are more to do with big-boy monopolies than they are with whatever they are masquerading as:

      The thing the Wikipedia article doesn’t mention is that when Will Studd was told he had to immediately re-export the Roquefort or consign it to deep burial at a rubbish tip, he arranged for a hearse and invited the French press to the funeral. The cheese arrived at the rubbish tip in a coffin draped with the French flag and the French public who saw and heard all this were justifiably outraged by the Australian government’s directions.

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