These are some comic relief ditties I penned when we were in the thick of our owner-build in 2012-2014. Every hands-on owner-builder will know exactly the feeling.
OWNER BUILDER BURNOUT
The house conundrums made me flat
Flatter than the mat on which the cat sat
One day a week I am depressed
Should I be getting some more rest?
To Redmond I could not be goaded
I hope my mare has not exploded.
ODE TO INSULATION
Our R-values are thrilling all
But mirror, mirror on the wall
Look upon these scratchy hives
I hope we still have healthy lives…
THE INSULATION SONG
Scratchy, itchy, sneezy days
Walls and ceiling furry brown
In the shower I hose me down…
O FOR A SABBATH
A Sabbath is a fine idea
For the prevention of the tear
To work day in, day out is foul
And goads me terribly to howl
A human is a robot not
The Sabbath ought not be forgot.
THE WOES OF CONCRETE CLEANING
Excavating the coloured concrete floor from beneath the grime
Is verily not the most productive and wonderful time
Plagued are we again by efflorescence and tar
Two days’ work already and we haven’t got far
Where will this end?
How will it mend?
Alas, I can’t enjoy the BAS
Number-crunching, filing, fuss
Capital or not, I ask
Enough to drive one to the flask
To spend a day in BAS dismay
The only time you shout hooray
Is when you finish the damn thing
That $200 next week shall bring!
Switches, light fittings, power points tantalise
How long till we can light the place up? We fantasise
Alas, bureaucratic rules decree
And a while longer again wait we
So the carpenter isn’t ELECTROCUTED by rules
We will dig our heels in like disgruntled mules.
ELECTRIC FENCE BLUES
When a cow stands in your acacias going “moo”
Repairing the electric fence is what you do
Of earth faults the fence gadget gives you warning
And you look for them till one in the morning!